Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!

Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?

Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?

Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!

Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?

Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.

小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了；眼睛一闭，不睁，这辈子就过去了。

毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。

赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。

小沈阳：大爷，我没别的意思。

赵本山：你啥意思？

小沈阳：我的意思，人不能把钱看得太重了。钱乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？

赵本山：嗯？

小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。

赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗？

小沈阳：啥呀？

赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。

小沈阳：哎，好嘞。

赵本山：这孩子。

小沈阳：这一天......这也太抠了。

赵本山：他姥爷，这菜呢，得做一会儿。你看看丫蛋来了，这孩子从小就是一身的艺术细菌哪。

毕福剑：艺......艺术细胞。

赵本山：给看看，能不能上你的大道。

毕福剑：她......

赵本山：才艺，那是了不得。

毕福剑：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到这儿来，就是为了让您孙女上我们《星光大道》。

赵本山：可不是嘛，它有这么个关系。

毕福剑：哦，那她都......会点什么？

赵本山：来吧，给姥爷表示表示。服务员，拿麦克。有卡拉OK的麦克吗？拿来。站好了。

Shenyang This I know, sir, but with Mr. Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. Eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.

CCTV Man That`s wit! / What a master of wit!

Uncle Zhao Not wit, he's a waiter. / To me, he jus' stings like shit!

Shenyang I didn't mean to offend you, sir.

Uncle Zhao Then whut did you mean?

Shenyang One shouldn't set too much stock on money. What good can it do, really? The most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.

Uncle Zhao Whut's more scary...

Shenyang Yeah?

Uncle Zhao ... is to be left living with you' money gone. Don't worry, boy. If you play your part well, I'll pay you well.

Shenyang Do as you please.

Uncle Zhao Go ahead.

Shenyang (to himself) What a day... just too stingy.

(Shenyang exits again.)

Uncle Zhao (to CCTV Man) Preparin' the dishes would take s'me time, sir. Here's Yadar, my granddaughter. They all call her Yadar. She started showin' promise to be art'ritis when very young.

CCTV Man You mean an artist.

Uncle Zhao Please test her to see whether she's good enough for you' Broadway.

CCTV Man Can she...

Uncle Zhao Whut can she do, right? No problem!

CCTV Man Now I see. You got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.

Uncle Zhao Oh yeah, that's it.

CCTV Man What exactly can she do?

Uncle Zhao Yadar, show Grandpa Bi whut you can do. Waiter, give us a mike for a Karaoke show.

(Shenyang enters for a third time.)

Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Stand over there.

毕福剑：那就这样吧，照我们的规矩来。

赵本山：来，你啥规矩？

毕福剑：来，自报家门。

赵本山：瞅前边就行了，别紧张。就搁哪儿来的。说。

毛毛： 我是来自大城市铁岭莲花池水沟子的，我名字叫丫蛋。今天，我心情非常地冲动，今夜阳光明媚，今夜多云转晴。

小沈阳：妈呀，报天气预报哪？嘻嘻。

赵本山：你别跟她说，她说的是心情。别着急。

毕福剑：继续，继续。

毛毛： 我心情从多云转晴了。这是为什么呢？因为我找到我姥爷了，我姥爷太好了，他能带我上溜光大道。

毕福剑：《星光大道》。

赵本山：《星光大道》。

毛毛： 上《星光大道》。我非常感谢我姥爷能给我这次机会，我太感谢你了。如果你真的把我领上道儿，我就感谢你八辈祖宗，我......代表八辈祖宗感谢你。忘不了你对我的大恩大德，我这辈子也不会忘记你，我做鬼都不会放过你。

毕福剑：姥爷，不，她爷，怎么越听这话，我越瘆得慌。

赵本山：孩子就是......啥意思？就是想报复你。

毕福剑：报复？

赵本山：啊不，报恩，报销嘛。报答，知恩图报，等出息了不能忘了姥爷。唱吧。唱。

毕福剑：能唱歌？

赵本山：唱李谷一的《青藏高原》。

毛毛： 那歌是李娜的。

赵本山：爱谁谁的，你唱。

CCTV Man According to our rules...

Uncle Zhao Whut're they?

CCTV Man (to Yadar) ... you shall introduce yourself first.

Uncle Zhao Look right ahead, honey. Start from the beginnin'. Don`t be nervous.

Yadar I'm from the Lotus Pond Valley of the big Tieling City. My name's Yadar. Today I'm so incited. Tonight it's so sunny, turning from cloudy to clear.

Shenyang (giggling) What're you doing, reporting on the weather?

Uncle Zhao Don't laugh at her. She's talkin' about how she feels.

CCTV Man Go on.

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